In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

How Do You Choose a Righteous Spouse in Islam?

How do you choose a righteous spouse? The books in my library answer the question from both sides of it. A man is told what to look for in a wife, and a woman, with her guardian, is told what to look for in a husband, and both sides are given the same measure: religion first, and character with it. The pieces of this answer stand across this site, on the pages of purpose, conditions, and consent. This page gathers what the scholars say about the choosing itself.

I gathered this page from five books in my library: Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen’s The Book of Marriage, his explanation of Bulugh al-Maram; Islamic Fatawa Regarding Women, which carries his answer to the question headed “Choosing a Husband” and two answers of Shaykh Ibn Baz; Shaykh Salih al-Fawzan’s Rulings Pertaining to Muslim Women; and the tafsir [explanation of the Qur’an] of Shaykh Abdur-Rahman as-Sa’di and the abridged Tafsir Ibn Kathir, at the verse that draws the first line in choosing. Their words are quoted word for word. Everything else on this page is my own summary of what they say, and the references at the end show where each passage stands.

The First Line: A Believer, Whatever Their Standing

Before any quality is weighed, the Qur’an settles who may be chosen at all. In Surah al-Baqarah (2:221), Allah forbids marriage to a polytheist, one who worships others besides Allah, on either side, and He sets a believing slave above a free polytheist who pleases you. Shaykh as-Sa’di renders the verse:

2:221. Do not marry the polytheist women until they believe, for a believing slave girl is better than a polytheist woman, even though she may please you; and do not give your daughters in marriage to polytheists until they believe, for a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he may please you. They invite unto the fire, and Allah invites unto paradise and unto forgiveness by His grace, and He explains His revelations to humankind so that they may bear them in mind.

He explains the comparison the verse makes:

«Do not marry the polytheist women» so long as they are still polytheists «until they believe», because a believing woman – no matter how ugly she may be – is better than a polytheist woman, no matter how beautiful she may be.

And he gives the wisdom behind the prohibition, for men and women alike:

Then Allah tells us the wisdom behind the prohibition on Muslims, male or female, marrying those who differ from them in religion: «They invite unto the fire» that is, by their words, deeds and attitude, so mixing with them poses a danger, not in worldly terms, but in terms of eternal doom.

Ibn Kathir, in his abridged tafsir, states the same measure from the guardian’s side of the verse, using the word Mushrik [one who worships others besides Allah]: “This Ayah indicates that a believing man, even an Abyssinian servant, is better than a Mushrik man, even if he was a rich master.” Faith is not one quality among the others. In these books it is the ground the rest of the choosing stands on.

What a Man Is Told to Look For in a Wife

The Prophet ﷺ named the reasons for which a woman is married: her wealth, her class, her beauty, and her religion, and he directed the choice to the religious one. That hadith stands on this site’s page on the rights of children, in the wording of Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen’s The Book of Marriage. Here is his explanation of it, from the same chapter. He takes the four reasons one by one, and on the fourth he says:

Fourth: “For her religion.” This refers to the religious woman, especially a knowledgeable one. The Muslim has to marry a woman who helps him to obey Allah. The religious woman helps her husband to obey Allah and she is obedient to her husband.

Two sentences in the middle of this passage concern a wife’s attitude when her husband wishes to marry again, a matter treated on this site’s page on polygyny. The explanation then describes the religious wife in her home:

A religious woman is an honest one. When her husband is absent, she will not betray him. Also, she will care for his wealth, children and family.

On the Prophet’s ﷺ words “Select the pious”, he says:

“Select the pious,” meaning to look upon her as a prize you want to win. “The pious” meaning the religious one. One should know that if they follow this advice, this religious woman will turn out to be the most beautiful in one’s eyes even if she is only slightly beautiful. Beauty is not the only criterion.

Another hadith in the same book praises the loving and fertile woman. In his benefits on it, Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen settles the order when these qualities pull against religion:

According to the Shariah [the Islamic law], one can select the loving and fertile woman. If one argues that the qualities of loving and fertile were in contrast with the religion, which is to be preferred? We say that religion is to be preferred.

He closes the explanation of the four reasons with the gathering of the whole matter:

The purposes for men marrying are different. But the Prophet ﷺ mentioned the most common ones. So, whenever the man marries a woman for a legally recognized purpose, this is allowed. However, it is better to marry her for piety.

What a Woman and Her Guardian Are Told to Look For in a Husband

Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen was asked the question directly in Islamic Fatawa Regarding Women. The question, headed “Choosing a Husband”, asks what considerations a young lady should make when choosing a husband, and whether refusing someone for economic or worldly reasons would expose her to the punishment of Allah. His answer opens:

The most important attributes that a woman must look for in selecting a husband are character and piety. Wealth and lineage are secondary considerations. The most important aspect is that the proposed groom be a person of piety and proper behavior. The person of proper behavior and piety will not do his wife wrong. Either he will keep her in a way that is proper or he will let her go free in the best way. Furthermore, the person of religion and behavior may be a blessing for her and her children. She may learn manners and religion from him.

He then turns to the man who lacks those two qualities:

If he does not have those characteristics, she should stay away from him, especially if he is one of those who slack with respect to performing the prayers or if he is known to drink alcohol, may Allah save us. As for those who never pray, they are disbelievers. Believing women are not permissible for them nor are they permissible for the believing women. The important point is that the woman should stress character and piety. If he is also of a noble lineage, that is to be preferred.

He supports the answer with the Prophet’s ﷺ words about the suitor whose religion and character are approved, words that stand on this site’s pages on the purpose of marriage and the rights of children. His answer then closes:

However, if he is also suitable [in other ways, such as economic standing and so forth], that is better.

Shaykh al-Fawzan speaks to the woman in the same direction in his Rulings Pertaining to Muslim Women, in the words that follow his counsel not to delay marriage for studies or a career, counsel that stands on this site’s page on the purpose of marriage. One sentence of those words belongs here:

She should not miss the opportunity to marry a righteous man.

He rests that sentence on the same suitor hadith. The scholars also name one thing to check in the suitor before the rest: his prayer. Shaykh Ibn Baz was asked about a man who came asking for a woman’s hand, and inquiry found that he did not pray in congregation, while her family differed over him. He answered:

If someone is known not to pray in congregation, then he should not be wedded to. This is because not praying in congregation is an open, public display of disobedience to Allah.

His answer continues with the hypocrites’ heaviness in prayer and the gravity of leaving prayer altogether, a matter this site treats on its page about the five daily prayers. And when a suitable man has come and is turned away for reasons that are not religion, Shaykh Ibn Baz answered the young woman who wrote to him about it. Her suitor was from a religious family, her father had agreed to him, and her mother refused and swore that such a marriage would never take place. In his answer he said, “Rejecting a suitable proposal is not from what is good and right.”

Looking at the One You Propose To

One part of choosing is a look. Jabir reported that the Prophet ﷺ said:

“When one of you proposes to a woman, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so.”

The book relates this hadith by Ahmad and Abu Dawud, notes that its narrators are in Sahih, and that al-Hakim graded it Sahih. Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen explains that the scholars differed over what the command to look means:

So, there are two points of view. The first is it is permissible. And the second is that it is desirable as it has many benefits. For example, it makes them closer to each other. And based on that look he can decide either to propose to her if he likes her or to not propose because he does not like her.

And he sets the limits of the look among the benefits of the hadith:

It is desirable to look at the fiancée on the basis of desirability. One should look at his fiancée but not beyond the limits. Those limits are:

First: It is prohibited to sit with her in private, the Prophet ﷺ said, “No person (man) should be alone with a woman except when there is a Mahram [a close male relative she cannot marry] with her.”

Second: To propose to her seriously. But if one is not taking the matter seriously, he should not look at her because this is originally prohibited.

References

The Book of Marriage, from the Explanation of Bulugh al-Maram by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Salih al-Uthaymeen: Maktabatulirshad Publications USA, First Edition, February 2017, translated by Mustafa Lamei ‘Abdul Hakim al-Misri (Hadith 972, printed p. 54; Hadith 973, printed pp. 60 and 64; Hadith 976, printed pp. 102 and 105-106).

Islamic Fatawa Regarding Women, compiled by Muhammad bin Abdul-Aziz al-Musnad: Darussalam, First Edition, 1996 (1417H), translated by Jamaal al-Din M. Zarabozo (Question 179, Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen, printed pp. 194-195; Question 159, Shaykh Ibn Baz, printed p. 170; Question 158, Shaykh Ibn Baz, printed pp. 169-170).

Shaykh Salih al-Fawzan, Rulings Pertaining to Muslim Women: Darussalam, Second Edition, June 2003, translated by Burhan Loqueman (printed p. 110).

Tafsir as-Sa’di, Vol. 1 (Juz’ 1-3): International Islamic Publishing House, English Edition 1, 2018, translated by Nasiruddin al-Khattab (Surah al-Baqarah 2:221, printed pp. 279-280).

Abridged Tafsir Ibn Kathir: Darussalam, Second Edition, October 2003 (Surah al-Baqarah 2:221, compilation PDF p. 550).

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